My sex drive is in my head ....... I want it lower!
By James Clarke
A number of readers have, over the years, sent me snippets related to the easiest of all life's tasks - growing old. I have scores of them and have been saving them up for a rainy day.
Well, right now it's pretty cloudy outside, so I'll hand over to Michael Pohl of motor- cycling fame, Pete of Randburg, Janet Nicholson of Maritzburg, Kas Beyer of Kentucky and others whose names Threnody has long lost.
One story concerns an elderly man, well groomed, smelling slightly of a good aftershave, who walked into an up-market cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar was an attractive elderly woman.
The old man sat alongside her and ordered a drink. Then he said to her, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
An old man said, "Just when I was getting my head together, my body began falling apart."
One symptom of ageing is that you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Another is when you're sitting in your rocking chair and you can't get it started.
Bob Hope, on turning 70, said, "You can still chase women, but only downhill". On turning 100 he said, "I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
I think the truest thing said about ageing is that, inside every old person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Somebody advised that when you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.
One nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
And a fellow in a retirement village said ruefully, "I've sure got old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees; I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take six different medications that make me dizzy; have bouts with dementia. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Thank goodness I can still drive myself around."
A 97-year-old man told his doctor, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
The doctor said, "But you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher, she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Pick 'n Pay. The preacher asked, "Why Pick 'n Pay?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My favourite: "These days about half the stuff in my shopping trolley says, 'For fast relief'."
From the same Kas Beyer comes a story of a Wyoming state policeman who received a 3am call saying a car was stuck in the snow on the outskirts of Casper.
The policeman found the car with the engine still running. Behind the wheel was a sleeping man with a half empty bottle of vodka.
The officer tapped on the window, startling the driver who, seeing the flashing blue police light and the policeman at the window, shoved the car into gear and hit the accelerator. The car's speedometer moved up to 60km/ph, but the car remained stationary, wheels spinning, trapped in snow.
The policeman, having a sense of humour, began running on the spot next to the window yelling "Pull over!" The boggled-eyed man obeyed, turning off his engine. He was arrested and is probably still telling his disbelieving mates about a cop who can run at 60km/ph.